Life Update 5 TW: Depression

Hello internet. It has been a while since I have posted, hasn't it? There's been a lot going on and to be honest, I've been grieving. My depression has been so bad that I have thought of looking into either therapy or counseling. The cause? Imagine you have this best friend. You feel as though they are a part of your soul and you can't imagine life without them. Since my post about the bookstore, I have lost that friend. Even now, I'm still grieving and heartbroken but her silence has spoken volumes of where our friendship stood for her. To recant what happened briefly, I house sat for her. Did everything that I was supposed to do. At the same time, I was battling my health and fell asleep instantly when I was texting her. 

During the brief, moment that I was asleep, she called me once and messaged me twice, whereas my family and boyfriend called me multiple times on different platforms (my cell, discord, messenger, etc.). She accused me of doing inappropriate things in her house and of ignoring her because "it didn't make sense". She came home that same day and apparently her cats knocked a water on the table and to her credit I should have thought to move the table cloth. I'm disabled and my brain operated on three times. I don't always think, like doing dishes. I didn't think or comprehend that I had permission to wash them. I took accountability for those because yes, that was my fault. She claimed there was blood on the bed and I didn't have my period because of my birth control. Okay, fine I can take that too. But she called me a liar and ghosted me for a while after that. She's upset, sure. I'm upset too. I have always told her about my ailments and have never lied to her. So during her reign of silence, she posts VERY passive aggressive things on X, Tik Tok, and Facebook. Instagram was my safe place at this point. I text her, trying to fix it and to continue to take accountability since I acknowledge my faults and responsibilities. She proceeds to tell me that I need to grow up and that my words make no sense and that she wouldn't end a friendship over something that small. 

It was not small to me. I felt like I was suffocating and have been crying non-stop. I will cry whenever I'm alone because our bond was as close to having a sister as I will ever get. After that text, she continues to post passive aggressive things and ignores me and doesn't even bother trying. Any time we had an argument or misunderstanding, I have always been the one that tried to fix it. I couldn't handle her being that way anymore so I removed her from everything and my life. I'm sitting here typing this and am still crying. I can't listen to music much without having some tie or memory to her. Kpop especially has been really hard for me. I've gotten into a reading slump and everything just feels blah. I put a smile on for everyone and I'm trying my best to heal and be me again, but sometimes I wonder why I should be me when it just results in bad? 

After all this. I finally get seen by a diabetic doctor and had learned that my sugar is the cause for my impromptu naps and feelings of lightheadedness. It doesn't solve everything I feel, but we are looking for the causes as well. I've been trying so hard to take care of myself and to get better about my health because I know how destructive depression can and has been. To top everything off, we ended up giving up Tree. That was hard on me, but in the end, it was the best decision I could do for her. I did everything that I could for her and nothing has changed or gotten better. She deserves a home where she is an only cat with plenty of space to feel safe and explore. My brother also had gotten married and is soon adopting my new nephew. There's been a lot of changes, both good and bad. I am slowly looking forward to what life brings again.

Ah, but the reason for this post is actually for a more positive life update. That friend mentioned above, knew I always wanted to garden and I got inspired by her gardening. My mother and aunt surprised me with some seeds, soil, and plants. I am proud I say that gardening has helped my mood a lot. I am growing cherry tomatoes, a beefsteak tomato, African Daisies, Gladiolus Glaïeul Jesters, Salvia Farinacea (I think that's how it's spelled?), and my Cactus- Jennifer. I have noticed some root rot on Jennifer. If anyone has any tips on how to help her and taking care of the others, please comment and tell me. I want to grow more. My next step is growing green onions and potatoes. Playing games with my boyfriend has also helped. Things have been eventful for him as well, but to respect his privacy, I won't go into detail. I love that we are there for each other and I am grateful for everyone who is still here with us. It's not an easy topic or feeling to have. I may still look into counseling because I want to do better for myself and the people I care about. I apologize for the long post, but in all honesty, it felt nice typing it out. 

I can't promise that I will be better at posting. All I can say is that I'll try. The point of this blog has always been to push myself, write out my thoughts and get me out of my bubble. I have picked up new things and rekinded old hobbies. Moving on is hard. Healing is hard. I am doing the best that I can. I have plans for reviews, social media, hobbies, learning new things, and for the future. The only way out of pain, is time and effort. It's only up from here.